Just to let you know...Air is NOT FREE

My weekend experience started off as one of "those" weekends, the moment I turned out of the parking garage onto Crystal Drive. Two people walking down the street starting waiving and yelling out, "Hey!" frantically in my direction. My first thought,....oh great I pulled into a motorcade or at the least left some papers, file, or beverage on the roof of my car. I was not however so lucky.

I rolled down my window to question the attention grabbers and they yelled, "You have a flat tire". Don't know about you, but I have had many a flat tire, and I am very much aware of the swoosh, glob, swoosh sound that it makes as you attempt to drive. I didn't have a flat tire. However, flash rewind, to when my very kind neighbor mowed the lawn at my house the other day. I do believe he said that I should put air in one of my tires. DAMMIT!!

So, I began anxiously searching down the streets of Crystal City for air. Towards Pentagon City, near the 395 exit and between all the garden and high rise apartments. NO GAS STATIONS!!! NO AIR!!! Arghhh!!

Finally, I gave up, not hearing that glob, swoosh sound, I knew the tire was not flat yet....

I made it all the way down to Edsall Road, my exit towards home off of 395. Luckily there are a choice of three different gas stations to choose from, right when you get off the exit ramp. I pulled into the first one and up to the the pump marked, "AIR".

By golly, that thing said it cost $.75 to put air in your tires and my first thought was that that must be just this gas station. How can air cost money? Air is free...We breath air! But as I pulled into each of the other two stations, sure enough...they were also $.75. What is going on here?

Well, fearing that I had already gambled with the slightly deflated, although NOT FLAT, swoosh, glob glob tire and my life enough, I went into the gas station convenience store and withdrew some cash (yup, of course I had none) and bought a diet pepsi so that I could coax the gas attendant to give me $.75 in quarters because, what should be FREE AIR must only be paid for in quarters...

As it was, I got my $.75 air while taking out my $2.50 cash from the ATM, and buying my $1.15 diet pepsi, to get my quarters. What an expensive ride home. At least I did not have to take the toll road or add any other expenses to my god forsaken commute.

But seriously, why does it cost to buy air? Although, in the late 80's, early 90's they said the same about bottled water.

I am so bad....

Too drained to write a meaningful blog while I am still recovering from all the birthday fun. But I do believe that I have some good topics coming up to write about. Soon....maybe tomorrow.

Can't.....

Can't talk...the Office is almost on. But I have a good complainy, whiney story about work that I cannot decide if I should write about or not. But think about how awesome it is to work with two faced, back stabbing people while I am gone. Here is a perfect cartoon to demonstrate the topic!

Watching Earl and then the Office. Later.

Warm Nights Full of Terror

What is it about cold nights, smothered in my red flannel blanket (making it a warmer night for me) and the watching of scary movies that goes together? Who knows....But here I am in my chair, red wine in hand, engulfed in the red warm, flannelly blanket and my feet entrenched in the warm fuzzy slippers and a horror movie is all I care to watch.

Maybe being cozy-ed up to watch something that seems spooky is reminiscent of something else warm and comfortable to me, when in the past I cozy-ed up with someone else while watching such similar scary movies. Oh well....at least I have spider killer, Syd.

Mine Kills Spiders. What does yours do?

So I hate spiders. Who doesn't? But luckily I have my trusty German Shepherd. Last night I saw a particularly menacing looking spider climb up the wall to the left of the television. I felt like I was in a horror movie or something. It seemed huge!! I said first softly, then louder and loudly "Sydney,..Sydney, SYDNEY!!" She came over sniffed me to make sure I was breathing, I guess, where I began frantically pointing at the wall.

Syd looked at the moving black spot, smelled my fear, and knew her next move. She leaped up about half a foot and in one quick slurp, the spider was gone. I gave her a million pets and good girls. She proudly ran after her bone and wagged her whole bottom in glee as I covered her in kisses and thankful rubs. My dog kills spiders for me. What can yours do?

I am Janet, you are an a$$!

So this morning I fell asleep on the couch after watching the beginning of the Sean Penn movie, I am Sam. When I woke up after a short cat nap, I began watching the movie towards the end. Although the movie does have some sad parts, it ends all on the up and up. It is actually one of those heart felt, tear-jerkers that ends in total bliss and happiness as the dad, Sean Penn is seen running all over a soccer field excited, with his daughter (creepy Dakota Fanning, but when she was still cute) in his arms.

Alright, I am a sucker. I really like this movie. It has a trial in it, a sassy female lawyer, children, and one of my favorite legal principals, "the best interest of the child" doctrine. All of my favorite elements.

So as I am sitting there watching and remembering how much I liked this movie, I began to think, why I haven't seen it lately? I think I even own this movie. Then I realized something....the wasband used to say to me, "that the movie is too sad and a downer. Why would I want to watch that?" Suddenly I had an epiphany about him and this movie.

Okay, so an epihany about movie watching is pretty stupid but regardless, it gave me some insite into his f-ed up brain. You know, I truly believe that he did not like watching this movie, not because of the sad moments, or even its kitchy dorkiness,..He did not like this movie because it reminded him of his own child that he never sees.

The entire point of the movie, I Am Sam, is to show how a a parent's love prevails and that it is an extremely strong bond. Well, the wasband in his infinite wisdom had decided previously to our being married, that he would no longer attempt to see his own son. You see his son, lives with his ex-wife, his high-school sweetheart and her family, and she seems to want to keep it that way. The wasband always said that he came from a broken home and did not want to put his son through the same fighting between parents that he had endured. But how can someone not want to fight for their son? Why...because he is an a$$!!

I am not a parent, but I can only imagine the connection one would have with a child that is their own flesh and blood. That child is a part of him. I should have known back then when we were talking and he told me about his lack of connection with his own flesh in blood, that I would certainly have no shot at any kind of connection with him. I cannot begin to understand or know his other reasons behind this, other than the fact that yes,...he is an ass!

Rat Killer is Awesome, so I take it every day!

So a while back I explained my experience having my DVT clot, and my Heroes mutated condition, homozygous factor five leiden, that makes me "super clotting girl." Although most pain from the clot subsided after 7-8 months, the main difference in my life was my new friend,...the rat killer, coumadin.

After doctors discover that anyone has a clot, the nice doctors make you take blood thinners. Beginning blood therapy is the desired first round of treatment for a DVT clot, despite any genetic disorders one may have. The blood thinners will hopefully slowly break down the clot until it all but dissolves. I say hopefully because some clots get worse before breaking down and must be injected with a special protein that rapidly breaks down a clot. Unfortunately there are only 5 -7 of these special proteins that rapidly break down blood clots. Therefore, beginning on blood therapy first, is the desirable approach, barring any emergencies. So, like with most, my doctors began my treatment to break down the clot with the blood thinners.

To begin the blood thinning therapy, first you inject yourself into your stomach with heparin. You may have heard of heparin as the medication that has recently been on the news because of its accidental overdosing of infants in the hospital. Dennis Quade's twins were given to much heparin after their birth and almost died. Heparin, itself sounds dangerous enough, but after the heparin, comes the coumadin.

But wait, after they begin you on the injectible medication and the coumadin, they also torture you by taking your blood, first every other day, then every two days, then twice a week, and finally once a month. I don't know if you know this, but taking blood thinners (which, heparin and coumadin both are) you tend to bruise, very easily. So having your arms, hands, wrists, etc. stuck with a needle to draw your blood for a test leaves your arms looking lovely. The blood test that is necessary to measure what I like to call my blood's consistency, is called PT/INR.

As I said, like others with a DVT clot, blood thinning therapy is the way to go. However, after the doctors realize that you have my factor five leiden mutation disorder, they decide that you get to take coumadin FOREVER, da, da daaaaa. That's right rat thinner and monthly blood tests are my way of life. Plus side, I am over my fear of needles. The initial injections I gave myself and the blood tests make me hardly even flinch whenever I see a needle. Negative, taking rat poison has, as one may think, lots of side effects.

Side effects page from the pharmacy is seriously two pages. They include things like, bruising, dry mouth, excessive sweating, chills, blood shot eyes, hemorrhage, and that I eating Vitamin K enriched foods will cause the medicine to work less effectively. Vitamin K enriched foods include all dark green vegetables, like broccoli, spinach, kale, green beans, lettuce, etc. You try dieting, while being sure to limit your lettuce intake.

Not only is my vegetable intake affected, but as you can imagine, taking blood thinner also affects your alcohol intake. However, with this new drug and its interactions and blood tests, also comes with a special doctor, the hematologist. Luckily, my awesome hematologist showed me that I can do lots of things on my rat killer, like balance my Vitamin K greens to the medicine; meaning that I must maintain a weekly steady amount of greens every week and allow the medicine to adjust to my intake. Like with the greens, I balance the intake of alcohol over the week and have the medicine adjust to this intake. What is hilarious is that I have to drink alcohol consistently if I am going to drink at all. It has to be a balanced amount. My friends find it hilarious that I have to drink alcohol consistently with the medicine so not to mess up my PT level. I just find it fabulous.

In this vain, I have learned to balance the rat killer with the amount of alcohol that I have. More greens make the blood more thick, if I drink more alcohol. I would definitely not recommend this kind of balancing act, but it has been working for me. My PT/INR tests have been very steady and luckily I have made it through almost 2 years straight of taking the rat killer without any complications.

By the way, when I call it a rat killer, I am not exaggerating. My always truthful friend, Wikapedia says it all: Coumadin, that is also known as, "warfarin was first registered for use as a rodenticide in the US in 1948, and was immediately popular".

For more information on yours and my favorite rat killer, see the US Dept. of Health and Human Services information link: http://www.ahrq.gov/consumer/coumadin.htm

Finally....

OK so I have to finish my "homework" from the therapist....but first I have a question. Should people think you are crazy just because you see a therapist? I don't think so, I think that if one is fully aware that therapy could help with their self-esteem and improve themselves, or if a person thinks that they should see a therapist in the first place, then by definition they cannot be crazy, because a crazy person doesn't know they are crazy and would not know that they need help. Don't quote me on that "definition" though.

Anyhow, back to my homework:

h) What are some of the things you would like to stop doing. Smoking, craving too much chocolate, making excuses to not blog, and to not need someone else to be interested in me to make me feel good about myself. I think I have made some headway on some of these, but they still need work.

i) What are some of the things you would really like to get better at? Definitely to write more often and almost every day, to write about what is "really" bothering me, to again feel happy and know how awesome I am. I would also like to maybe have some kind of musical skill. I can't sing or really play any instrument. It would be awesome to learn something to make me more musically inclined.

j) What are some peak experiences that I have had? Hmmmmm. Graduating law school, passing the Bar exam, zip lining, kayaking and horseback riding on vacation.

k) What are some peak experiences that you would like to have? Mostly see above, minus the going to law school. I think I would like to take the VA Bar exam, and would like to do all three activities listed above. Hiking to the top of something awesome and looking out onto the world. Taking pictures that get hung on someone who is not in my families' wall. Oh and finish at least a half marathon, even if I have to walk it.

l) Are there some values you are struggling to establish? I think that not over indulging would be one. But there is a fine line between enjoying all of life and not over indulging in spirits and wonderfully decadent chocolate. Otherwise, I think I have pretty good values, I don't lie about me, obviously, it's all up here. I don't cheat, not even if a relationship, although I could write about a few "others" I know that could work on that value. But all and all, I think I am pretty virtuous.

m) What was one missed opportunity in life? Not establishing my career after law school. I got married and moved to Cali. Jobs in Cali were far from career builders, despite what I made from them, and they made me feel awful about myself.

n) What are some things you want to start doing now, at this point of your life? Not sure, maybe training for the half marathon and getting hold of some good photography books from my awesome friend Jen. That's probably the only thing I can start doing right now and afford to start doing at this point in my life. Why do things have to be so expensive?

Well,...that's it. I guess I found out some things I would like to do and continue doing, but I kind of knew these already. Ho hum...maybe I am crazy.

WOW!!! I am lazy.

I wish that my non-blogging-ness could be the result of the broken finger. But, No... It has to deal with my watching of all the new Fall Premieres. I am beginning to realize that I am totally a science geek. I think that is okay....at least I am realizing what kind of things that I like myself without having to only like the things that my significant or in my case, insignificant other likes.

FALL TV SHOWS that I am addicted to:
-Terminator: Sara Conner Chronicles (OK, so I like it when women get to kick ass too)
- Fringe (again, see above reason and add the creator of LOST)
- Bones (I am beginning to see a trend here)
- Heroes (haven't seen, but can't wait)
- The Office (speaks for itself)
- Eli Stone (liked this show, but maybe only because it was after LOST)
- Football, of course (I am a fantasy football person)
- Entourage (lots of eye candy and funny, funny lines)
- True Blood (VAMPIRES)
- Any show with dogs :)

Okay, So to continue....

The Blog that I have been overdo on continuing is from a "homework" assignment from my therapist. That's right, I see a therapist. Someone has to help me heal from this mess with the wasband and since his military health insurance is fitting the bill, I contend that getting as much therapy as possible, for free, is only "fitting".

Back to the assignment - The worksheet is entitled, "Exercises that can help with goal setting." Apparently, the therapist has not read my "Ready, Set, GOAL!!! " blog, or maybe she thinks I need more than 5 goals. But hey, I'll play along, it can only help.

The first portion of the exercise worksheet is to imagine your ideal 48 hours and "to picture in your fantasy-- smells, sounds, feelings, weather, etc." Crap, Crap, Crap. This is impossible. I can't even begin to see this. I know it would be a nice, 70 degree day where there are only the sound of nature. I want to say it is the beach, because everyone says that, but if you know me, you know that me and the beach, or rather the sun don't get along. Hmmm....I think Sydney would almost assuredly be there. She always makes me smile. And maybe even the Mollykins, she is always good to help brighten my mood. But where am I, don't know.... Maybe I should come back to this one, unless anyone else has any good ideas.

The next portion of the exercise worksheet has a list of questions. These may be easier. Let's see.

a. What is the happiest year or period in my life? Whoa. That is a big one. Maybe some time in my childhood. I'd say probably 8th grade when I had several very close girlfriends, whom I still have as close girlfriends. I don't remember why it was good though. I just remember feeling happy.

b. What things do you do well? Well, school. I do that well. That goes back to my original goals blog. I also listen to people well.

c. What was a turning point in your life? Hmmm. Recently or long ago? Probably the most significant turning point was realizing that I had a blood clotting condition that would affect almost everything that I ever do. Also the fact that I lived through the clot that could have killed me.

d. What has been the lowest point? Probably realizing that my marriage was in shambles and realizing that I probably should have never gotten married in the first place.

e. Was there an event that you demonstrated great courage? Now everything I have been writing has to deal with the clot suddenly, but it was/is a pretty significant part of my life. The event, although it seems kind of minor, took loads of courage for me, and it happened every day in the month, post clot. I had to give myself a shot of heparin in my stomach twice a day. Prior to this, I was afraid of needles and getting over that fear enough to administer the medication to myself, seemed something huge and very courageous for me.

f. Was there a time of heavy grief? That time has been now and since that "may day" really. I experienced some grief post clot, but have learned that the experience made me feel more lucky and thankful more than anything.

WOW--This is a long long post and I still have 8 more letters to go. I think I will continue the rest tomorrow. Until then....

Waiting....

I am crazy freaking impatient. Did you ever really know that about yourself? I am sitting at Shell's house waiting for her to get home from work and to bring her daughter in. And here she is....

One day, I will type more... I have to write more and actually have more to say. Later.

No....I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.

So, my parents are in town and have been for almost a week. I have been neglecting my therapeutic blogging because of their visit, although I could probably have really kept up and probably should have kept up with it while they've been here. But what are you going to do?

My parents decided to come visit me because of the sadness in my voice...or so I was told. But I really think that it was to come and hang out with my brother and I because they are lonely down there in their "Old Folks" retired neighborhood. Luckily, they have gotten a lot of things done for my brother's wedding while in town, so it has really been the best for everyone.

While here, to appease them I decided to attend the church that they like in the area called McLean Bible Church. I know some of you are groaning just thinking about it, but I thought, "What the heck." I could use something different to cheer me up. Here are my thoughts of the entire experience.

Upon first walking into the place, I was struck by how many young people, my age that were there. This I really did like, because I associate most church experiences with lots of older folks. When I walked into the door, I couldn't believe it. The place has a freakin cafeteria. That is crazy. Families were all nestled into the small tables, in the cafeteria like in the mall food court and I couldn't help thinking that maybe they were shopping for comfort. Maybe like me.

After finding our way to the sanctuary, or rather auditorium, I was floored by how big this places was. It was almost like a sports arena, but not in the round. I noticed how large the musical/orchestra area was and floored that a church, even one as big as this one, could have so many musically inclined folks. I have to tell you though, when the music started it was actually pretty good. Churchy, preachy music, but good and contemporary sounding, with a slight bit of holiness, oldies thrown in. I liked it.

Of course, then came the sermon. This is given by the guy on the radio who has the commercials that say, "Not a sermon, just a thought". Well, he actually sounds just like he does on the radio which was reassuring or disturbing, I don't know. I was happy with most of the message concerning being a holy person and sharing the word and such, but dissatisfied by it in the end. I was hoping that the MBC (as it is called) was not a closed church. A closed church is a church that preaches against homosexuality and says that God loves everyone, but that homosexuality is immoral.

This condemnation that the church made very clear disturbed me and confused me. In many ways this was an extremely contemporary church. They even had a freakin coffee bar for god's sake. Do the folks at MBC know what kind of hipster, open, poetically tragic people started the coffee bar phenomenon? I mean just watch, So I Married an Ax Murderer or Reality Bites. Anyhow, I was disappointed.

My initial observations of the church, although slightly hokey, seemed promising. But their positions regarding sexuality seem archaic and very un-modern. According to my good friend Wikapedia (always a very true source) many Christian churches have come to the conclusion that homosexuality is not immoral. These include liberal congregations within the United Church of Christ, the Episcopal Church in the United States of America, the Moravian Church, the Anglican Church of Canada, the Methodist Church of Great Britain, and Friends General Conference. My belief that one's sexuality can never be immoral is a fundamental belief that I cannot go back on.

So, I've decided to become Episcopalian,...if only I can wake up in time to make it there for a service. Or, I will use MBC to find a nice Christian boy to be my new boyfriend and then teach him the true ways of the world. I haven't decided which I will be doing yet.

Man, I miss the Office!

I am watching old re-runs on the Office. Man, I miss this show. But something I have found, is that those who have not worked in an office, cannot really appreciate the humor as much. Or maybe I am just pissed that they don't agree with my opinion of one of the greatest shows ever and therefore I am finding something rational to explain their obviously flawed thinking.

Who on earth cannot appreciate a stapler stuck inside of a jello mold?

(I had written a more thoughtful blog that somehow did not get saved. So, this lame blog that is basically an advertisement for the show, will have to satisfy my writing necessity for today.)

When does it start?

I was watching some old Sex and the City episodes to entertain myself this labor day and I began to think about one of the points that Charlotte from the show, made. She said that when you are in love with someone, it takes half the time that you were in love with the person to get over the person. But I have such a weird "break-up history". When does my countdown begin?

My wasband and I have now been separated for one year. Not separated in the legal sense, but it has been one year since we have lived together. A year ago, after his encouragement or rather his compelling me, I moved back to the east side to find employment, to be near my family and friends, and most importantly to allow him to be free from me so that he could study, study, study. Too bad he failed, failed, failed.

But anyhow, after I left him in Cali to live here in VA, we never really considered ourselves, legally separated, or maybe we should have, not sure. I only saw him on two separate occasions after I left Calif. Once for 3 days over Thanksgiving and another time for 48 hours over the New Year's eve and day. (oh and the day in May he drove here to say he did not want to be married anymore,.....but that is for another post) We talked on the phone nearly every day, before that date in May, when our legal separation began. But I wonder, does that whole year we lived on separate coasts count in Charlotte's rule? I am not sure.

I definitely don't miss, and yearn for him. But I do miss little things we shared like favorite movies and songs, and the idea that I had a future and a life together with someone. But I do not miss him. He is/was an ass. I do however, sometimes miss the old, little nice things he first did for me, but that was so long ago.

We were married for almost 4 years this November. 6 months of the 4 years he was deployed. 4 months over that time he was gone for training, and then the one year, this past year we were separated by the entire country, minus those few days we saw each other over the year. Do I say we were together for 3 years and have already gone through my one year, and need the other?

Seriously though, why am I using this absurd count down to mark the time when I will be heeled? I guess because, I am feeling so lonesome and depressed lately. This is funny because for like the first month or two after the May Day, I was almost completely fine. People kept complementing me on my strength. Now, I still feel strong enough that I have not felt the urge to attempt to drag myself back to him or even talk to him. I don't know where there sadness has come from. I feel miserable.

I think that because I crave structure as that Type A, logical thinking, person that I am, I want to believe in the rule that Charlotte came up with. But am I cheating for counting this whole year that has gone by, or can I count it. I can't decide. I can only decide, that I am in a happier, supposedly physical (the east coast), but not yet mental place than I was a year ago, and that possibly in another 9 months, I will begin to feel better.