Freakin' Finally

So, I was supposed to be writing all through November about things that I am thankful for that I would not have had if I wasn't ever in a relationship/married to the wasband. However, my freakin' Verizon Internet was not working because the DSL lines in my new place was all crapped out.

Tonight instead of writing more, I plan to rest up for a long week of being thankful and writing about it. Meanwhile, I am exhausted from my quick weekend trip to Delaware with Myrna and the Myrna fam. Until tomorrow....

I am Janet, you are an a$$!

So this morning I fell asleep on the couch after watching the beginning of the Sean Penn movie, I am Sam. When I woke up after a short cat nap, I began watching the movie towards the end. Although the movie does have some sad parts, it ends all on the up and up. It is actually one of those heart felt, tear-jerkers that ends in total bliss and happiness as the dad, Sean Penn is seen running all over a soccer field excited, with his daughter (creepy Dakota Fanning, but when she was still cute) in his arms.

Alright, I am a sucker. I really like this movie. It has a trial in it, a sassy female lawyer, children, and one of my favorite legal principals, "the best interest of the child" doctrine. All of my favorite elements.

So as I am sitting there watching and remembering how much I liked this movie, I began to think, why I haven't seen it lately? I think I even own this movie. Then I realized something....the wasband used to say to me, "that the movie is too sad and a downer. Why would I want to watch that?" Suddenly I had an epiphany about him and this movie.

Okay, so an epihany about movie watching is pretty stupid but regardless, it gave me some insite into his f-ed up brain. You know, I truly believe that he did not like watching this movie, not because of the sad moments, or even its kitchy dorkiness,..He did not like this movie because it reminded him of his own child that he never sees.

The entire point of the movie, I Am Sam, is to show how a a parent's love prevails and that it is an extremely strong bond. Well, the wasband in his infinite wisdom had decided previously to our being married, that he would no longer attempt to see his own son. You see his son, lives with his ex-wife, his high-school sweetheart and her family, and she seems to want to keep it that way. The wasband always said that he came from a broken home and did not want to put his son through the same fighting between parents that he had endured. But how can someone not want to fight for their son? Why...because he is an a$$!!

I am not a parent, but I can only imagine the connection one would have with a child that is their own flesh and blood. That child is a part of him. I should have known back then when we were talking and he told me about his lack of connection with his own flesh in blood, that I would certainly have no shot at any kind of connection with him. I cannot begin to understand or know his other reasons behind this, other than the fact that yes,...he is an ass!

When does it start?

I was watching some old Sex and the City episodes to entertain myself this labor day and I began to think about one of the points that Charlotte from the show, made. She said that when you are in love with someone, it takes half the time that you were in love with the person to get over the person. But I have such a weird "break-up history". When does my countdown begin?

My wasband and I have now been separated for one year. Not separated in the legal sense, but it has been one year since we have lived together. A year ago, after his encouragement or rather his compelling me, I moved back to the east side to find employment, to be near my family and friends, and most importantly to allow him to be free from me so that he could study, study, study. Too bad he failed, failed, failed.

But anyhow, after I left him in Cali to live here in VA, we never really considered ourselves, legally separated, or maybe we should have, not sure. I only saw him on two separate occasions after I left Calif. Once for 3 days over Thanksgiving and another time for 48 hours over the New Year's eve and day. (oh and the day in May he drove here to say he did not want to be married anymore,.....but that is for another post) We talked on the phone nearly every day, before that date in May, when our legal separation began. But I wonder, does that whole year we lived on separate coasts count in Charlotte's rule? I am not sure.

I definitely don't miss, and yearn for him. But I do miss little things we shared like favorite movies and songs, and the idea that I had a future and a life together with someone. But I do not miss him. He is/was an ass. I do however, sometimes miss the old, little nice things he first did for me, but that was so long ago.

We were married for almost 4 years this November. 6 months of the 4 years he was deployed. 4 months over that time he was gone for training, and then the one year, this past year we were separated by the entire country, minus those few days we saw each other over the year. Do I say we were together for 3 years and have already gone through my one year, and need the other?

Seriously though, why am I using this absurd count down to mark the time when I will be heeled? I guess because, I am feeling so lonesome and depressed lately. This is funny because for like the first month or two after the May Day, I was almost completely fine. People kept complementing me on my strength. Now, I still feel strong enough that I have not felt the urge to attempt to drag myself back to him or even talk to him. I don't know where there sadness has come from. I feel miserable.

I think that because I crave structure as that Type A, logical thinking, person that I am, I want to believe in the rule that Charlotte came up with. But am I cheating for counting this whole year that has gone by, or can I count it. I can't decide. I can only decide, that I am in a happier, supposedly physical (the east coast), but not yet mental place than I was a year ago, and that possibly in another 9 months, I will begin to feel better.